Why I'm Here

There are 3 or 4 different directions this post could take, and I'm not entirely sure which one(s) I'm about to tangent on! Bear with me, please, as I attempt to calm and settle a few of the thoughts swirling in my brain tonight, prohibiting me from sleeping.

There has been a source of extreme frustration for me over the last several years, and it involves, or at least touches on, a foundational truth that I have built my life on. There are two frequent points that often bring this to light in my mind, and lately they have been intersecting and intertwining. It involves the reason I am living where I am, and doing what I'm doing, and the status of my (missing) husband.

Point one.
5 years ago I realized that God was leading me in the direction of GF & RoH. It took some time, prayer, a few drives north, and seeking the counsel of my pastors and other Godly leaders in my life before I accepted the fact that I was being directed and asked to relocate and invest in what God is doing up here. Although I have no idea what my long-range life will look like, it is currently a very distinct possibility that this will be home base permanently, or at least for the long term foreseeable future.

I occasionally have a friend tell me something along the lines of how impressed they are that I was willing to sacrifice my dreams & life back home (including family & friends) to come up here. I'm never quite sure how to respond to this; yes, I definitely made some sacrifices (getting to see my little siblings grow up is the biggest!), and yes, it has been extremely difficult at times. This is, however, where God has placed me... and, knowing that, there simply is not anywhere else that I would be capable of being happy & at peace. In that respect, it does not feel like a sacrifice at all, merely an obvious action based on recognition that I've commited to obeying my Father in whatever He calls me to do.

What has been much harder to deal with is when people have joined alongside us in the church for a season without jumping onto the full vision and commitment that I have been called to. It took awhile to recognize and comprehend that, although God brought them to fill a role for a time, He has other directions that He is taking them long term, and has not asked them to invest an indefinite period of time here. Failing to realize that caused many tears and heartache as I tried to understand why they could consider leaving so easily - or why they could have other commitments while here.

Point two.
I long to be married. I crave having someone in my life who is committed to staying with me forever, that won't leave, that will share my joys, sorrows, vision and passions, who will partner with me in what God has and will call me to do (and yes, I'll admit that the physical aspects sound rather nice, too...). I believe that God desires and plans for me to experience this. At the moment, however, there does not seem to be any sign or potential for this man on the visible horizon. I'm getting older, (although there is still plenty of time!) and I have no idea how or where I'm supposed to meet this guy.

There is increasing pressure that I need to do something to make myself available to be found if I want this happen. I need to get out there, meet people, go where there are eligible men!

The problem is, however, that over the last few years God seems to have made it quite clear that I am not to get involved or committed to another church's agenda, or other Christian ministries/groups that will take my time & energy. I have attempted to do so a few times, and every time the door gets closed in one way or another. I'm not even entirely sure that I WANT to look for a husband in another church in town, as that would, quite obviously, create some issues that need to be worked out, especially if he is in leadership there! RoH's vision is not to steal sheep from other congregations!

I could go on, listing all the potential areas and places around the region that my man may be lurking, but it boils down to this: I believe that God is capable of bringing the right guy into my life at the right time, without me investing time, energy, and worry into hunting him down.

Here is where the two points merge.
   My life is built on the rock of Jesus Christ. Everything else may get uprooted, but He will stay stable, strengthening me for whatever He has called me.
   When God created humankind, He gave us the ability to make choices, and a mind to reason and determine what actions we desire &/or see best.
   I believe that the highest calling I, as a Christian/follower of Christ, can make is to take my choices and surrender them back to Him. Not my will, but Yours be done is one of the most powerful and important decisions we can make.
   I belive that God is completely powerful, wise beyond comprehension, and loves me abundantly. I believe that He can direct me to a full and meaningful life far better than I ever could based on my own desires and judgement.
   I believe that if I turn to my Heavenly Father at each crossroads, with each decision, surrender my hopes & dreams and fears, and ask Him which way I am to go, He will answer and direct me.I believe that there is no better option then to choose His plan.
   If all of this is true, and if I succeed in following His leading in each step of the way, I believe that I can trust Him to handle the rest. That includes who & when I fall in love and get married. That includes what church I attend, what city I live in, and how many children I eventually have.

I realize that there are time when God allows us to make a choice, times where He does not specifically tell us which choice to make. I believe, however, that those moments should not be assumed or taken lightly; I think the church today sees more of these moments then actually exist.

 I fully realize that I am still learning, and that there are many lessons and areas I am lacking wisdom that will be corrected and taught. As God points out areas where I have not had a clear understanding, and reveals the truths where I have believed or assumed a lie, I will do my best to release my errors of thought and action and correct my course to more accurately and fully follow Him. I will find it interesting to see and discover what paths I am led down in the months and years to come.

For today, however, this is where I stand.

Lord, I ask, and I seek for your wisdom & understanding! Reveal to me Your plan, and speak to me Your truths! My heart longs to know You and see You move in and through my life. Help me to increase in my ability and willingness to surrender all that I am and consist of to Your ways.

Sisters (Part 3)

Surprisingly, I never gave much thought while growing up to the fact that someday I would have sisters marrying into our family as each of my brothers fell in love. Me getting married was frequently on my mind... my kid brothers, not so much.

As first Seth, now Matthew have found the girls of their dreams, however, I have discovered a new and wonderful blessing: sisters-in-law.

The process of taking an adult from a totally different family background and quickly merging them into a brand new family is not a seamless or effortless act. It involves compromise, forgiveness, tears, confusion, excitement, joy, and fear as assumptions are swept away, traditions are reevaluated, opportunities for offense on all sides occurr, and moments are shared which knit hearts together forever. For those of us who have not yet experienced this collision, it's hard to fully comprehend the shock for the new addition as they gradually discover that they did not just marry their spouse, and not just the new parents & siblings, but also a large extended family and a whole new culture and community. From my perspective, it's fun and rather wierd to introduce my 'new sister' to distant relatives and lifelong friends (examples: in the last month, I introduced Joy, who's been, for all practical purposes, in our family for 4 years, to my first roommate, and Kelsey to "Grandma Phillips," my aunt's mother who I've viewed as an extended family member my entire life).

When Seth & Joy started their relationship, I struggled with intense conflicting emotions. Joy had become a dear friend of mine before she & Seth got to know each other. The guarantee of having her as a part of my life & family forever was a delight. The fact that she was stealing my best friend and little brother was hard to handle. They visited me shortly before the wedding, and as I sobbed on Seth's shoulder and Joy (poor Joy!!!) waited patiently nearby, I realized that if it had been anyone else on the planet, I would have come close to hating her. Since it was Joy, however, and God had already knit our hearts together, all I could do was mourn my lost place as the most important girl in Seth's life and relinquish that spot to my new sister. I've never regretted it.

Matthew and I spent the majority of our lives bickering and frustrating each other and fighting for Seth's attention & time. With Seth suddenly more or less out of the picture, Matthew joined me in the northlands to attend college and we established a surprisingly close friendship. As a result of several semesters of ballroom dance class, he shared his new found skills with me, and we found occasions to blend our households of roommates together to share meals, desserts, and laughter.

To my extreme disappointment at the time, Matthew fell in love with a girl he met back home one summer. Suddenly I was usurped in yet another brother's life, and this time there was not the benefit of already knowing & loving the young woman in question. Several months of frustration followed, as I longed for opportunities to connect with Kelsey, but having no idea of how to begin without coming across as intimidating or pushy. With, I'm sure, no concept of how it would completely melt my heart, my soon-to-be sister leapt across the boundry separating us one day when I arrived home and she slipped into line behind my other siblings to greet me with a warm hug. At that moment, I realized that even though it would look totally different then it did with Joy, I truly had found yet another little sister.

Sisters (Part 2)

It was 11:58pm on December 7, 1996. Melissa Strei had come over to keep me company and help me babysit my younger brothers. The boys were all in bed, and Mel & I had just finished watching "Heidi." The phone rang.

"Hi-ya, Shrimp!" Dad's voice sang. "You have a sister!"

My jaw fell. As each new brother had joined our family, I had pretty well resigned myself to the fact that I was the only girl in a household of boys, and that's the way it would be. Dad's voice simply didn't compute. 

"A what?"

Ruthanna Christine (or "Little Hanna" as a couple of her friends dubbed her when they were about two years old - a moniker she has long outgrown!) introduced me to new dynamic in life: a real live biological sister. In the years ahead she was joined by Tirzah & Jubilee. The days of me being the only girl in the family were gone forever. 

I love each of my little sisters desperately, and it both melts and tears my heart whenever I spend time with them. The girls cling to me, wanting more time with me, fighting over who gets to sit next to me at meals, on the couch, or in the car/van. They line up for hugs, glue themselves to my side, and start tickle fights. They look to me for approval, to share their joys and achievements, and to basically adore them - all of which is easy to do. What's difficult is that I live three hours away. I moved out of Mom & Dad's house when Jubilee was a baby, and moved out of state when she was two. My sisters are growing up without ever having the benefit of remembering me living nearby, and without having concentrated time to truly get to know me - or me them. 

There's also the difficulty of the incredibly huge age gap. Ruthanna, as she's entering her teen years, is getting to the age I can relate to more, but our relationship is so far defined by the bizarre paradigm of being sisters with a natural bond and deep love for each other, and knowing the events of life, but not having had an opportunity to form a heart connection where we really know much about the other's thoughts, dreams, and fears. I have spent a good deal of time pondering this dilemma, and trying to find and create ways to correct it. So far my plans haven't produced much action or fruit, but it's been a relief to have thought of some solutions and strategies to implement in the years ahead. 

As much as I hate watching my little sisters grow older while I'm missing so much of their lives, I am excited to anticipate eventually being able to relate to them more as friends, rather then just the benefactory adult who periodically shows up and "gives good presents."

Sisters (Part 1)

I was a month and a half shy of turning 15 when my first sister was born. This means, to date, that still over half of my life I did not have a sister, which is why it is still firmly imbedded into my brain (and, sadly, actions) that I grew up in a house full of boys, deprived of having sisters.

To compensate for this missing aspect in my life, at a very young age I begin keeping my eyes open for sisters to 'adopt.' My first experience in this range was my cousin, Marie, born 8 months after me to the day. Marie also grew up in a houseful of boys, so we clung to each other for support as the only granddaughters at most family events (we have 3 older female cousins, but they grew up in Georgia. We loved having them around for a couple weeks every summer, but the rest of the year we held the positions of both only granddaughters & oldest grandchildren!)  Marie and I made a pact at somepoint in there that if either of us ever got a little sister, we would share. 

Although I think there have been several at various points through out the years, only a couple of my friends have retained the firm position as 'family' in my heart, where I know that the sentiment is returned. Lee Marie's and my families became friends when I was 10 and she was 4, and as she grew older we established a pretty close friendship. As our mothers developed a sister-like relationship, Lee Marie and her siblings merged into 'cousin' status. Although we've grown apart in the years since I lived at home, I believe I will always hold them in a special bond in my heart. 

Beth, and, to a slightly lesser degree, her younger sisters (Christy & Becky), hit sister status at somepoint over the years as well. Beth and I have determined (and no, actually - we're not joking!) that after everything we put our friendship through during our teen years, we're friends for life. It has been a true delight to watch that hold true as we've moved in opposite directions and settled into our adult lives. Although we disagree on numerous levels and still occasionally annoy or drive each other crazy, we've learned to still understand who the other girl is, and value and treasure each other and the friendship we share. Beth has proven herself as someone I can tell absolutely anything to, and she will not only keep that secret but won't let it change how she views or treats me. She truly is my sister, in everyway except blood. Largely, I believe, as a result of our friendship, our families have become very close over the years as well. Her dad at one point dubbed me his '5th daughter,' and, although that position has been usurped by their foster daughters and other close friends of their family, I still value all of them as a secondary family - and always will treasure them that way.

After several years of enjoying my independence and determining I had no interest in having roommates, God placed Anna in my life and home. Within days, I was delighted to discover that this roommate thing would work, and within weeks knew that Anna and I would be long time friends. Long before she moved out, she had won a permanent position as a sister in my life. We shared (and still do, during visits & phone conversations!) our hopes, dreams, disappointments, struggles, prayers, hugs, and laughter. I think Anna is the first friend I ever became comfortable crying in front of, and the memories of her holding me, listening, and praying for me are ones I will always hold dear. It's been nine months since she moved out of town, and I still miss her desperately. 

Don't let me paint this picture too rosy, however! These women are also the ones who aren't afraid to call me on my faults - and do they ever! Be it a bad attitude, bad habit, a lie that I believe, or the way I mistreated someone, I will hear about it and an attempt will be made to force me to deal with it. Didn't I tell you that they are my sisters?!

I have been richly and extremely blessed with countless friends over the years. With many of them, even though it may be several years between seeing them, I know that their friendship is still there, and will be there if we ever need each other or have a chance to catch up in the future. Some of my friends are (or have been in the past) on the verge of becoming a true sister of my heart, or are already there but time and trial has not burned the stake as deeply. They all are still loved and appreciated. It's the few, however, that firmly hit & nailed sisterhood, that I can trust with the depths of my heart, and have proven time and time again that they will love me not only because of who I am, but often in spite of who I am.

To all of my friends, but especially to my sisters - thank you. I would not be the person I am today without you.

Cousins

I was thankful to get some time with Marie at Matthew’s wedding before she moved to Tanzania.

Marie is one of my oldest friends (we were born 8 months apart), and we have a plethora of memories from years of growing up together and continuing to share life experiences, goals & dreams with each other as adults.

Dar es Salaam, Tanzania

Writing

In the past... oh, I don't even remember (pause to check date of last entry)... two weeks, I have been intending quite frequently to take some time and write another note. I've actually mapped out a few in my mind (not all of which I remember atm!) and was really excited about writing them.

Alas, each evening I arrived home late from work, and/or had something urgent that needed doing or some event going on. This weekend we had an Outfitters retreat (more on that on a later date), and I kept going from one task to another. All weekend I have looked forward to & intended to set some time aside today to unwind and relax while catching people up on where my heart & mind has been.

Alas, this afternoon came, and the only thing I wanted was to curl up and sleep for 4 hours. I refrained, since napping inevitably means I'm incapable of sleeping at night, so settled for the next best thing - settling into the "Music Room" with Rachel and watching two movies ("Splash" & "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"). It felt nice to crash, but now I'm ready for bed and unable to get anymore in depth here then a long-winded and totally unncessary excuse/apology to myself & the world in general for not sharing anything actually important.

I must also confess that I have recently become increasingly wistful as I look at friends who have a greater energy & stamina level that gives them the ability to constantly keep going without crashing. Maybe it's developed with time, or maybe it's a character flaw that I want to simply go play or be lazy after doing a lot of work or being busy for a few days. Whatever it is, I feel myself burning out if I don't get the rest I need. I hope this afternoon and a good night sleep tonight refresh me enough to jump back into work this week with energy.

My current goal: be in bed by 8:45 (maybe earlier), and sound asleep long before Jen gets home from work (anytime between 10:00-12:00). I always wake up briefly when she comes in, but if I'm zonked far enough I can usually drift off again right away. This would be one of the few times that I'm very thankful she can't handle chatting upon getting home late!

Side Note: Although I admit to having enjoyed "Splash," I do not recommend it, especially and most adamently for all people of the male gender. I do very highly recommend 'Pirates,' however - I giggled frequently throughout. Big Idea is amazing for their ability to make quality kids shows with clean, adult appreciated humor woven in.