Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." Puddleglum the Marshwiggle in The Silver Chair, by C.S. Lewis

 I love truth. I love discovering new truths, hearing further evidences of truth, and being refreshed by reminders of old truths. As a result, this quote has always left me with slightly mixed reactions. I know that God is real and the 'world' that I see as a Christian is real, but the concept of, 'what if it wasn't?' leads to the natural reaction of wanting to discover what truth really is.

The fact remains however that, just as Puddleglum, Eustace, Jill and Prince Rillian realized, the God, the Creator that we serve and live for is beyond imagination. Puddleglum didn't cave in to the witch's hypnotic magic because he kept sight of something far greater. His protest was not a blind, head-in-the-sand stubbornness not to admit defeat. It was the realization that God is so incredible and awesome that He's worth living for, in spite of evidence to the contrary. We're incapable of creating anything/anyone nearly so magestic and worthy.

The only worlds that we can create, the only supposed "truth" we can fabricate on our own is like the Underworld - a dark, dismal place where no natural light shines through. There is a roof constantly above our heads, stone walls always surrounding us. Elements of the 'real world' are there (lakes, some plant life, houses, ships, strange creatures), but upon closer inspection they only point that there must be something more, something better, beyond sight and beyond grasp.

That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

The fact that there IS a real 'Aslan' and IS a real 'Narnia' means that we can have a relationship with God (through Jesus Christ) and the promise of an eternity with Him. He provides peace to our hearts and comfort and encouragement to our souls. Even without that, however, walking according to the principles that Jesus laid out while on earth means that our life here is more fullfilling and BETTER. We don't have to walk in a cloud of shame or a web of lies. 'Playacting' is obviously not the best or safest path through life - which is why it is critical to acknowledge that Jesus did die to bring us to God, and we need to surrounder our lives and choices to Him - but even playacting is better then completely forgetting that such a place exists. And, as Puddleglum realized, it's worth sacrificing to keep it - even at the cost of bringing pain to ourself and having to fight against the evil that holds us captive.

Arrrghh!

Sorry, I just have to vent!!

Last week, as a response to some things that God has been dealing with my heart about, I told David that I have long (as in, years) avoiding the fact that I believe God wants to teach me how to preach. As a result, I am now in charge of opening up the Sunday morning service and doing a 2 minute "sermonette." All very good & exciting.

Last week, I literally wrote exactly what I wanted to share, and pretty much read it, trying to quote as much as I could from memory and make eye contact with people. Problem: it sounded scripted, "not like Hanna," etc.

This week, I'm trying to get to where I just have points jotted down to keep me on track while I 'use my own words.' IT'S NOT WORKING. I can't talk - seriously, I can't! My thoughts jumble, I wander off track, it takes me 10 minutes to say 3 minutes worth of material. I'm sure I sound like me... my roommates always tell me I'm too long winded and don't get to the point. I can write - I love writing - but I can't talk coherently upon request.

I've been working on & off on this for half the day, and am running out of time and growing in frustration. Trying to curb the desire to go yell or kick something. Didn't want to vent about this on facebook. Should probably practice on one of my roommates, but then they'll have already heard it. *sigh*

Escaping

It isn't often that I operate in the spiritual gifts, but every once in awhile I'll get a prophetic word or something. While praying during a Bible study a few years back, God showed me a picture that has stuck with me, and came to mind again today.

I was in a box. It was a transparent cube, allowing me to see out, but forcing me to sit with my back against the wall and my knees bent in front of me. At first I was disturbed; why was I trapped?

As we continued praying as a group, I realized that as I prayed, the box around me was expanding. Gradually I was able to stretch out, move around a little bit more.  This was exciting - I was quickly motivated to pray more, to watch my boundaries increase.

As I looked out from my cube, I realized I could see other cubes across the landscape. Every cube had someone in it, trapped as I was. Every cube was a slightly different size. Some where small, some large. As I observed, I suddenly realized that some of the cubes were growing. One in particular seemed to be increasing more then the others, and as I watched it, it suddenly exploded in a flash of light. The individual inside was completely free. Another box, further in the horizon, exploded as well. Another person was free. My prayers increased as I grew in my enthusiasm to see my box expand and break.

After awhile I grew tired. My mind wandered, my prayers slowed and ceased. Eventually I realized that my box had stopped growing, and actually had begun shrinking again. I started praying again.

This cycle (praying, expanding, tiring, shrinking) continued until our prayer time was completed and I was left pondering the implications.

Continuing yesterday's thought...

Yesterday, when I shared my journal entry from almost two years ago, I mentioned that it related to something that has been on my mind. More specifically, the last paragraph is what held my attention.

When I turn away from surrender, saying 'no' either in a conscious decision or in a fearful stalemate, something in my spirit dies. I lose intimacy with Christ. Fear creeps in where peace should reign. I run from the presence of my King, longing to be restored yet trembling at what He will require. I forget that He has promised to forgive, and that He still sees me as beloved daughter & treasured bride.

I realized this past week that this is where I have been lately. It was a horrible, icky feeling, discovering and acknowledging areas of rebellion in my heart.

There is so much to be said on this topic beyond one lowly paragraph, and yet, that paragraph seems to sum it all up quite well. Rebellion, fear, saying 'no' to Christ leads to only one thing: the slow poisoning of our soul. We can hide it, ignore it, even be unaware of it for a time. In the end, however, if left unchecked, it will erode and destroy our ability to love, our ability to hear God's voice, and our desire to partake in activities that will feed us, rather then distract or even continue to destroy everything good & righteous in our lives.

Does that sound too harsh or extreme? I don't think so. Thankfully, my Father has blessed me with wonderful friends, one of whom had the courage, insight and love for me to ask the hard questions and point out where I slipped. As a result, my progress down that traitorous fall has been halted. Damage has been done, however, and it will take time to recover, to replace the lies with truth, and to rebuild habits I've fallen out of. For those who don't listen to the warnings along the way, however, the repercussions are severe. Unease, fear, distrust, restlessness, crabbiness, resentment, and bitterness are all among the traps and consequences of a life lived apart from God. Even if your eternity is still guaranteed, even if your life is still bearing some fruit, even if
 all outward signs indicate that you're walking out the road intended, you can still be an inward mess, knowing that things are not ok.

Sadly, not only the individual is affected. The testimony of a life lived for Christ is hindered. Lives that are meant to be impacted are not, or not to the fullest extent possible. Friends aren't encouraged or inspired or held accountable. Books may not be written. Even worse, damage can be done. A side comment or a moment of anger or spite can cause unknown pain to another. It may result in a friend or acquantance developing a negative perspective of, "that's what Christians are like." The potential and possibilities are endless.

Therefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our confession, Christ Jesus,who was faithful to Him who appointed Him, as Moses also was faithful in all His house. For this One has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as He who built the house has more honor than the house. For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God. And Moses indeed was faithful in all His house as a servant, for a testimony of those things which would be spoken afterward, but Christ as a Son over His own house, whose house we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end. Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness, Where your fathers tested Me, tried Me, And saw My works forty years. Therefore I was angry with that generation, And said, 'They always go astray in [their] heart, And they have not known My ways.' So I swore in My wrath, 'They shall not enter My rest.' Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called "Today," lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said: "Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." For who, having heard, rebelled? Indeed, [was it] not all who came out of Egypt, [led] by Moses?  ~Hebrews 3:1-16

Thoughts on Dying & Sacrifice

I actually wrote this in January, 2008, but was rereading it in my journal and it seemed to tie in to some things on my mind lately. The scripture references on the end were ones I had gone over prior to writing it, but I don't remember right off how or if they all tie in.
____________________________________________
"It's mine!"

How often do we find ourselves thinking - or even saying - that phrase? be it a favorite book your 2 year old just picked up, the cup of coffee you're not done with yet, your car after a fender bender, or a dream that's been snatched away, what we consider our property is often the cause of intense emotion. It is an object, theory or principle that we have claimed, and we believe it is our right and duty to defend it.

The vehemence of our reaction only grows with the value of our claim. When the loss or damage comes to a child or parent, your own body, or the fulfillment of a long-sought goal, it can wound our very soul.

Often not realized until faced with that situation is the fact that many of "my possessions" have actually become a part of my identity. When asked, "Who are you? Tell me about yourself," we don't think twice about describing the basics of our home, life, family, job, etc.. The loss of any of these can easily send someone into a tailspin.

In moments of deeper reflection, I'll describe my life in view of my struggles, hopes, dreams, and plans. My perspective of who I am and the directions my path will travel are valued parts of what makes me, "me!" These are the desires coursing through my heart, the battles I war in my mind. Habits I've held for years, styles of dress & decorating, musical talent... the list goes on endlessly.

Going one step even deeper, I'll find my memories, key events in my life that have shaped me, and buried hurts that I've tried to forget. Success, perceptions on how the world exists, failures... countless beliefs that have shaped the way I perceive myself & those around me.

"That's my identity."

Are we even aware of when something crosses that line between possession & identity? Do we ever make a conscious decision to define our very core being in a certain way - not just to the outside world, but to ourselves?

What happens when you're asked to give up one of these definitions? A common example, yet one I have dealt & will continue to continue to deal with is my plan/longing/dream/expectation of getting married, raising a family, & living out the rest of life with a dashing man of great faith, courage & love (for me, of course!) I quite naturally assumed he would be waiting just around the corner when I graduated from high school. When he didn't arrive immediately, it was disappointing, but I was sure his presence would be revealed soon. He had to; I also believed that my primary task in life would be to raise a large family (hopefully 10-15 kids), and if I was going to do that, obviously I'd need to get started while my child bearing years were still long & productive.

I still believe that God will give me a husband, but as the years slide by I have heard my Father's voice asking, "Will you trust Me, regardless?" The words, "Yes, Lord," sound so easy to say, yet when faced with the awful reality...

• Will I choose to trust God if I get married at the age of 82?
• Can - no, WILL - I accept a childless life?
• Do I believe that God has great purpose for my life, regardless of my current view?
• Will I choose to love my God more?
• Will I choose to surrender my will, and follow Him through His path?
• Will I choose to live life to the fullest, enjoying my days of singleness?
• Will I choose to pursue God, learning to live in intimacy with Him?

Is "yes" easy? No. Neither is it easy when the path laid out takes me far from family & friends. It's not easy when a friend's path does not include has goals for a professional career. It's heartbreaking when a young couple battles infertility. The road appears to end when a spouse dies, or when told you have a life expectancy of only a few months. Through it all, however, Jesus reaches out His hand.

"Will you follow? Will you trust Me?"

When you're asked this question, there's a good possibility - almost a quarantee, if my experience holds true for everyone - that something in you is going to die.

If your answer is, "Yes - I will trust," then you are relinquishing whatever area has been tested. Sometimes God returns it later, sometimes not. Frequently, what He's asked you for will be a sinful pattern or false belief. It may be an area that has become an idol; something that you value to the point of not being willing to live without it. The process of having a part of your identity taken from feels like a death.

The good news is that when God takes, He always fills that void. Instead of leaving a hole, your life will contain healthier pursuits, an increase of freedom, peace & joy, and an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of the power, love & beauty of the God who loves us. He will never, ever abandon us, even if our emotions don't always recognize His presence.

The other option is to say, "No."

Am I the only one who has promised God great things (undying devotion, total faithfulness, etc) only to balk & run when He asks them of me?

A few lines of various songs haunt me:

"If You say, "Run," I'll run with You. If you say 'Stay,' then I won't even move"
"When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, 'Blessed be the name of the Lord"
"I'm laying it down, for the joy of the Lord!"
"I will offer up my life in spirit & truth"
"Take my heart, and mold it; take my mind, transform it"

I've sung them countless times, believing the words with my whole heart. I still believe them... in faith. Faith that the God who started a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Faith that He loves me in spite of my fear, weakness & faithlessness.

When I turn away from surrender, saying 'no' either in a conscious decision or in a fearful stalemate, something in my spirit dies. I lose intimacy with Christ. Fear creeps in where peace should reign. I run from the presence of my King, longing to be restored yet trembling at what He will require. I forget that He has primsed to forgive, and that He still sees me as beloved daughter & treasured bride.

John 12:20-36

 - Jesus speaks of being lifted up & glorified
 - Grain of wheat must fall & die in order to produce fruit
 - Glorify Your name
 - Walk in the light so darkness will not overtake you
 - Jesus department & was hidden from them.

Psalms 23

 - Valley of death (You are with me)

Romans 7:5-6

 - having died to what we were held by

Romans 8:13

 - Live by the flesh, you will die

 - Live by the Spirit, and put to death the deeds of the body, & live

Romans 12:1-2

 - Present your body as a living sacrifice

 - Be transformed by renewing of the mind

2 Corinthians 4:11

 - We who live are always delivered to death, that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal body.