Best Christmas Gift Ever

I led a friend to Jesus tonight.

I've prayed with people and talked them to that step before, but have never seen fruit from it afterwards. I've never known if they were sincere or not or if I failed to explain something or if I just planted a seed and God would due something later on or what happened. It's frustrating to look back and ponder, "Have I ever really truly helped someone get saved?"

I have - I know I have - and I got to watch a long slow progression to get here as I've interacted with this person and gotten to see the hunger slowly build and explode and tease.There is still a lot to learn, and I know there will be ups and downs in the days and years ahead, but a foundation has been established, and the Chief Cornerstone has claimed His position.

And... to my surprise... I'm more humbled and honored and in awe than I am dancing and shouting and cheering. I'm glad, don't get me wrong - but I feel like I saw God do something amazing and miraculous more in spite of me than because of me, and I'm realizing that He has worked through me without my seeing it, and the impact of that is... earth shattering. In a wonderful, wonderful way.

Rejoice, rejoice, oh Christians, lift up your voice today... I know that He is with me, whatever men may say. He lives!!!! He lives!!! Christ Jesus lives today. He walks with me, He talks with me, along life's narrow way. He lives!!! He lives, salvation to impart. You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart.

Lessons Learned from Upper Midwest Winters

In honor of the snowfall today...

• Get a good windshield scraper. Not a small, cheap, plastic one, but a nice solid one, with a long retractable handle and a brush on the other end. If you really think you can't afford the $10-$15 to pick one up you can try the $0.99 one for awhile, but you will regret your decision with every new snowfall. Don't get me wrong, it can be a delightful challenge to tackle a vehicle 5 inches shorter than yourself with a 6inch scraper, but you'll tire of it after 7 years.
  
• Remove as much snow from your vehicle as possible. This includes, but is not necessarily limited to, the windows, windshield, rear window, roof, hood, and lights. If that seems excessive, trust me, it's not! It's difficult to describe the frustration of thinking you cleared off your car, only to drive a block and have snow blow off your hood &/or roof and re-coat your windows. Clearing off (and turning on!) your lights just makes sense - the ground, road, shrubbery, and parked cars are covered with snow, and you want to ensure that other drivers are able to see your car as it blends in with the surrounding area in a glaring blaze of white.
  
• Similarly, you will want to completely clean off your windshield wipers. Clearing off all the surrounding snow and ice from your windshield does no good if you are smearing melting snow or ice back across the window with every swipe of the blades. 
• If you want to cheat, sneak out to your car 5-40 minutes before you need to leave. Turn on the car, blast all the defrosts as high as they go with maximum heat, then return to the safety of the house or warm building. The amount of time needed will depend on the thickness of the ice buildup. This is not recommended for mere snow if there is no ice involved, as it just makes a soppy mess and may end up creating ice on your windows after you reached your destination, turned the car off, and all the excess water stays in place.
  
• Always assume that the roads will be icy, regardless of how they look! This means you drive slower, allow more time for stopping, and are extra cautious around corners and curves. Failure to comply could result in anything from an impromptu 180 or 360 degree spin, landing in a ditch, tree, snowdrift, or approaching vehicle, or sliding all the way through red light or stop sign, completely unable to stop. 
• Emergency supplies really are a good idea. Depending on where you travel and the maximum distance you may end up at any given moment from any accessible building (or cell phone signal!), your required supplies will vary somewhat. A shovel, boots, extra warm clothes, and a good blanket or sleeping bag are basic essentials, with water, food, candles, books, games, random friends, extra gas & batteries, cat litter or other traction enabling materials, snowmobiles, cross country skies, etc being discretionary based on the maximum possible timeframe you may end up being stranded.
• If it gets above 20F anytime after January, go ahead and run out to start your car, take the trash out, etc. without a jacket - or even in a t-shirt. It builds character, and gives you bragging power. It also feels refreshing and wakes you up.
• Try skiing, ice skating, and sledding at least once per winter. Building a snowman (or other life form) and tossing at least a couple of snowballs are also required. If you're going to live up here, make the decision to enjoy it!

 Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." Puddleglum the Marshwiggle in The Silver Chair, by C.S. Lewis

 I love truth. I love discovering new truths, hearing further evidences of truth, and being refreshed by reminders of old truths. As a result, this quote has always left me with slightly mixed reactions. I know that God is real and the 'world' that I see as a Christian is real, but the concept of, 'what if it wasn't?' leads to the natural reaction of wanting to discover what truth really is.

The fact remains however that, just as Puddleglum, Eustace, Jill and Prince Rillian realized, the God, the Creator that we serve and live for is beyond imagination. Puddleglum didn't cave in to the witch's hypnotic magic because he kept sight of something far greater. His protest was not a blind, head-in-the-sand stubbornness not to admit defeat. It was the realization that God is so incredible and awesome that He's worth living for, in spite of evidence to the contrary. We're incapable of creating anything/anyone nearly so magestic and worthy.

The only worlds that we can create, the only supposed "truth" we can fabricate on our own is like the Underworld - a dark, dismal place where no natural light shines through. There is a roof constantly above our heads, stone walls always surrounding us. Elements of the 'real world' are there (lakes, some plant life, houses, ships, strange creatures), but upon closer inspection they only point that there must be something more, something better, beyond sight and beyond grasp.

That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

The fact that there IS a real 'Aslan' and IS a real 'Narnia' means that we can have a relationship with God (through Jesus Christ) and the promise of an eternity with Him. He provides peace to our hearts and comfort and encouragement to our souls. Even without that, however, walking according to the principles that Jesus laid out while on earth means that our life here is more fullfilling and BETTER. We don't have to walk in a cloud of shame or a web of lies. 'Playacting' is obviously not the best or safest path through life - which is why it is critical to acknowledge that Jesus did die to bring us to God, and we need to surrounder our lives and choices to Him - but even playacting is better then completely forgetting that such a place exists. And, as Puddleglum realized, it's worth sacrificing to keep it - even at the cost of bringing pain to ourself and having to fight against the evil that holds us captive.

Arrrghh!

Sorry, I just have to vent!!

Last week, as a response to some things that God has been dealing with my heart about, I told David that I have long (as in, years) avoiding the fact that I believe God wants to teach me how to preach. As a result, I am now in charge of opening up the Sunday morning service and doing a 2 minute "sermonette." All very good & exciting.

Last week, I literally wrote exactly what I wanted to share, and pretty much read it, trying to quote as much as I could from memory and make eye contact with people. Problem: it sounded scripted, "not like Hanna," etc.

This week, I'm trying to get to where I just have points jotted down to keep me on track while I 'use my own words.' IT'S NOT WORKING. I can't talk - seriously, I can't! My thoughts jumble, I wander off track, it takes me 10 minutes to say 3 minutes worth of material. I'm sure I sound like me... my roommates always tell me I'm too long winded and don't get to the point. I can write - I love writing - but I can't talk coherently upon request.

I've been working on & off on this for half the day, and am running out of time and growing in frustration. Trying to curb the desire to go yell or kick something. Didn't want to vent about this on facebook. Should probably practice on one of my roommates, but then they'll have already heard it. *sigh*

Escaping

It isn't often that I operate in the spiritual gifts, but every once in awhile I'll get a prophetic word or something. While praying during a Bible study a few years back, God showed me a picture that has stuck with me, and came to mind again today.

I was in a box. It was a transparent cube, allowing me to see out, but forcing me to sit with my back against the wall and my knees bent in front of me. At first I was disturbed; why was I trapped?

As we continued praying as a group, I realized that as I prayed, the box around me was expanding. Gradually I was able to stretch out, move around a little bit more.  This was exciting - I was quickly motivated to pray more, to watch my boundaries increase.

As I looked out from my cube, I realized I could see other cubes across the landscape. Every cube had someone in it, trapped as I was. Every cube was a slightly different size. Some where small, some large. As I observed, I suddenly realized that some of the cubes were growing. One in particular seemed to be increasing more then the others, and as I watched it, it suddenly exploded in a flash of light. The individual inside was completely free. Another box, further in the horizon, exploded as well. Another person was free. My prayers increased as I grew in my enthusiasm to see my box expand and break.

After awhile I grew tired. My mind wandered, my prayers slowed and ceased. Eventually I realized that my box had stopped growing, and actually had begun shrinking again. I started praying again.

This cycle (praying, expanding, tiring, shrinking) continued until our prayer time was completed and I was left pondering the implications.

Continuing yesterday's thought...

Yesterday, when I shared my journal entry from almost two years ago, I mentioned that it related to something that has been on my mind. More specifically, the last paragraph is what held my attention.

When I turn away from surrender, saying 'no' either in a conscious decision or in a fearful stalemate, something in my spirit dies. I lose intimacy with Christ. Fear creeps in where peace should reign. I run from the presence of my King, longing to be restored yet trembling at what He will require. I forget that He has promised to forgive, and that He still sees me as beloved daughter & treasured bride.

I realized this past week that this is where I have been lately. It was a horrible, icky feeling, discovering and acknowledging areas of rebellion in my heart.

There is so much to be said on this topic beyond one lowly paragraph, and yet, that paragraph seems to sum it all up quite well. Rebellion, fear, saying 'no' to Christ leads to only one thing: the slow poisoning of our soul. We can hide it, ignore it, even be unaware of it for a time. In the end, however, if left unchecked, it will erode and destroy our ability to love, our ability to hear God's voice, and our desire to partake in activities that will feed us, rather then distract or even continue to destroy everything good & righteous in our lives.

Does that sound too harsh or extreme? I don't think so. Thankfully, my Father has blessed me with wonderful friends, one of whom had the courage, insight and love for me to ask the hard questions and point out where I slipped. As a result, my progress down that traitorous fall has been halted. Damage has been done, however, and it will take time to recover, to replace the lies with truth, and to rebuild habits I've fallen out of. For those who don't listen to the warnings along the way, however, the repercussions are severe. Unease, fear, distrust, restlessness, crabbiness, resentment, and bitterness are all among the traps and consequences of a life lived apart from God. Even if your eternity is still guaranteed, even if your life is still bearing some fruit, even if
 all outward signs indicate that you're walking out the road intended, you can still be an inward mess, knowing that things are not ok.

Sadly, not only the individual is affected. The testimony of a life lived for Christ is hindered. Lives that are meant to be impacted are not, or not to the fullest extent possible. Friends aren't encouraged or inspired or held accountable. Books may not be written. Even worse, damage can be done. A side comment or a moment of anger or spite can cause unknown pain to another. It may result in a friend or acquantance developing a negative perspective of, "that's what Christians are like." The potential and possibilities are endless.

Therefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our confession, Christ Jesus,who was faithful to Him who appointed Him, as Moses also was faithful in all His house. For this One has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as He who built the house has more honor than the house. For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God. And Moses indeed was faithful in all His house as a servant, for a testimony of those things which would be spoken afterward, but Christ as a Son over His own house, whose house we are if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm to the end. Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness, Where your fathers tested Me, tried Me, And saw My works forty years. Therefore I was angry with that generation, And said, 'They always go astray in [their] heart, And they have not known My ways.' So I swore in My wrath, 'They shall not enter My rest.' Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called "Today," lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said: "Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." For who, having heard, rebelled? Indeed, [was it] not all who came out of Egypt, [led] by Moses?  ~Hebrews 3:1-16

Thoughts on Dying & Sacrifice

I actually wrote this in January, 2008, but was rereading it in my journal and it seemed to tie in to some things on my mind lately. The scripture references on the end were ones I had gone over prior to writing it, but I don't remember right off how or if they all tie in.
____________________________________________
"It's mine!"

How often do we find ourselves thinking - or even saying - that phrase? be it a favorite book your 2 year old just picked up, the cup of coffee you're not done with yet, your car after a fender bender, or a dream that's been snatched away, what we consider our property is often the cause of intense emotion. It is an object, theory or principle that we have claimed, and we believe it is our right and duty to defend it.

The vehemence of our reaction only grows with the value of our claim. When the loss or damage comes to a child or parent, your own body, or the fulfillment of a long-sought goal, it can wound our very soul.

Often not realized until faced with that situation is the fact that many of "my possessions" have actually become a part of my identity. When asked, "Who are you? Tell me about yourself," we don't think twice about describing the basics of our home, life, family, job, etc.. The loss of any of these can easily send someone into a tailspin.

In moments of deeper reflection, I'll describe my life in view of my struggles, hopes, dreams, and plans. My perspective of who I am and the directions my path will travel are valued parts of what makes me, "me!" These are the desires coursing through my heart, the battles I war in my mind. Habits I've held for years, styles of dress & decorating, musical talent... the list goes on endlessly.

Going one step even deeper, I'll find my memories, key events in my life that have shaped me, and buried hurts that I've tried to forget. Success, perceptions on how the world exists, failures... countless beliefs that have shaped the way I perceive myself & those around me.

"That's my identity."

Are we even aware of when something crosses that line between possession & identity? Do we ever make a conscious decision to define our very core being in a certain way - not just to the outside world, but to ourselves?

What happens when you're asked to give up one of these definitions? A common example, yet one I have dealt & will continue to continue to deal with is my plan/longing/dream/expectation of getting married, raising a family, & living out the rest of life with a dashing man of great faith, courage & love (for me, of course!) I quite naturally assumed he would be waiting just around the corner when I graduated from high school. When he didn't arrive immediately, it was disappointing, but I was sure his presence would be revealed soon. He had to; I also believed that my primary task in life would be to raise a large family (hopefully 10-15 kids), and if I was going to do that, obviously I'd need to get started while my child bearing years were still long & productive.

I still believe that God will give me a husband, but as the years slide by I have heard my Father's voice asking, "Will you trust Me, regardless?" The words, "Yes, Lord," sound so easy to say, yet when faced with the awful reality...

• Will I choose to trust God if I get married at the age of 82?
• Can - no, WILL - I accept a childless life?
• Do I believe that God has great purpose for my life, regardless of my current view?
• Will I choose to love my God more?
• Will I choose to surrender my will, and follow Him through His path?
• Will I choose to live life to the fullest, enjoying my days of singleness?
• Will I choose to pursue God, learning to live in intimacy with Him?

Is "yes" easy? No. Neither is it easy when the path laid out takes me far from family & friends. It's not easy when a friend's path does not include has goals for a professional career. It's heartbreaking when a young couple battles infertility. The road appears to end when a spouse dies, or when told you have a life expectancy of only a few months. Through it all, however, Jesus reaches out His hand.

"Will you follow? Will you trust Me?"

When you're asked this question, there's a good possibility - almost a quarantee, if my experience holds true for everyone - that something in you is going to die.

If your answer is, "Yes - I will trust," then you are relinquishing whatever area has been tested. Sometimes God returns it later, sometimes not. Frequently, what He's asked you for will be a sinful pattern or false belief. It may be an area that has become an idol; something that you value to the point of not being willing to live without it. The process of having a part of your identity taken from feels like a death.

The good news is that when God takes, He always fills that void. Instead of leaving a hole, your life will contain healthier pursuits, an increase of freedom, peace & joy, and an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of the power, love & beauty of the God who loves us. He will never, ever abandon us, even if our emotions don't always recognize His presence.

The other option is to say, "No."

Am I the only one who has promised God great things (undying devotion, total faithfulness, etc) only to balk & run when He asks them of me?

A few lines of various songs haunt me:

"If You say, "Run," I'll run with You. If you say 'Stay,' then I won't even move"
"When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, 'Blessed be the name of the Lord"
"I'm laying it down, for the joy of the Lord!"
"I will offer up my life in spirit & truth"
"Take my heart, and mold it; take my mind, transform it"

I've sung them countless times, believing the words with my whole heart. I still believe them... in faith. Faith that the God who started a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Faith that He loves me in spite of my fear, weakness & faithlessness.

When I turn away from surrender, saying 'no' either in a conscious decision or in a fearful stalemate, something in my spirit dies. I lose intimacy with Christ. Fear creeps in where peace should reign. I run from the presence of my King, longing to be restored yet trembling at what He will require. I forget that He has primsed to forgive, and that He still sees me as beloved daughter & treasured bride.

John 12:20-36

 - Jesus speaks of being lifted up & glorified
 - Grain of wheat must fall & die in order to produce fruit
 - Glorify Your name
 - Walk in the light so darkness will not overtake you
 - Jesus department & was hidden from them.

Psalms 23

 - Valley of death (You are with me)

Romans 7:5-6

 - having died to what we were held by

Romans 8:13

 - Live by the flesh, you will die

 - Live by the Spirit, and put to death the deeds of the body, & live

Romans 12:1-2

 - Present your body as a living sacrifice

 - Be transformed by renewing of the mind

2 Corinthians 4:11

 - We who live are always delivered to death, that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal body.

Why I'm Here

There are 3 or 4 different directions this post could take, and I'm not entirely sure which one(s) I'm about to tangent on! Bear with me, please, as I attempt to calm and settle a few of the thoughts swirling in my brain tonight, prohibiting me from sleeping.

There has been a source of extreme frustration for me over the last several years, and it involves, or at least touches on, a foundational truth that I have built my life on. There are two frequent points that often bring this to light in my mind, and lately they have been intersecting and intertwining. It involves the reason I am living where I am, and doing what I'm doing, and the status of my (missing) husband.

Point one.
5 years ago I realized that God was leading me in the direction of GF & RoH. It took some time, prayer, a few drives north, and seeking the counsel of my pastors and other Godly leaders in my life before I accepted the fact that I was being directed and asked to relocate and invest in what God is doing up here. Although I have no idea what my long-range life will look like, it is currently a very distinct possibility that this will be home base permanently, or at least for the long term foreseeable future.

I occasionally have a friend tell me something along the lines of how impressed they are that I was willing to sacrifice my dreams & life back home (including family & friends) to come up here. I'm never quite sure how to respond to this; yes, I definitely made some sacrifices (getting to see my little siblings grow up is the biggest!), and yes, it has been extremely difficult at times. This is, however, where God has placed me... and, knowing that, there simply is not anywhere else that I would be capable of being happy & at peace. In that respect, it does not feel like a sacrifice at all, merely an obvious action based on recognition that I've commited to obeying my Father in whatever He calls me to do.

What has been much harder to deal with is when people have joined alongside us in the church for a season without jumping onto the full vision and commitment that I have been called to. It took awhile to recognize and comprehend that, although God brought them to fill a role for a time, He has other directions that He is taking them long term, and has not asked them to invest an indefinite period of time here. Failing to realize that caused many tears and heartache as I tried to understand why they could consider leaving so easily - or why they could have other commitments while here.

Point two.
I long to be married. I crave having someone in my life who is committed to staying with me forever, that won't leave, that will share my joys, sorrows, vision and passions, who will partner with me in what God has and will call me to do (and yes, I'll admit that the physical aspects sound rather nice, too...). I believe that God desires and plans for me to experience this. At the moment, however, there does not seem to be any sign or potential for this man on the visible horizon. I'm getting older, (although there is still plenty of time!) and I have no idea how or where I'm supposed to meet this guy.

There is increasing pressure that I need to do something to make myself available to be found if I want this happen. I need to get out there, meet people, go where there are eligible men!

The problem is, however, that over the last few years God seems to have made it quite clear that I am not to get involved or committed to another church's agenda, or other Christian ministries/groups that will take my time & energy. I have attempted to do so a few times, and every time the door gets closed in one way or another. I'm not even entirely sure that I WANT to look for a husband in another church in town, as that would, quite obviously, create some issues that need to be worked out, especially if he is in leadership there! RoH's vision is not to steal sheep from other congregations!

I could go on, listing all the potential areas and places around the region that my man may be lurking, but it boils down to this: I believe that God is capable of bringing the right guy into my life at the right time, without me investing time, energy, and worry into hunting him down.

Here is where the two points merge.
   My life is built on the rock of Jesus Christ. Everything else may get uprooted, but He will stay stable, strengthening me for whatever He has called me.
   When God created humankind, He gave us the ability to make choices, and a mind to reason and determine what actions we desire &/or see best.
   I believe that the highest calling I, as a Christian/follower of Christ, can make is to take my choices and surrender them back to Him. Not my will, but Yours be done is one of the most powerful and important decisions we can make.
   I belive that God is completely powerful, wise beyond comprehension, and loves me abundantly. I believe that He can direct me to a full and meaningful life far better than I ever could based on my own desires and judgement.
   I believe that if I turn to my Heavenly Father at each crossroads, with each decision, surrender my hopes & dreams and fears, and ask Him which way I am to go, He will answer and direct me.I believe that there is no better option then to choose His plan.
   If all of this is true, and if I succeed in following His leading in each step of the way, I believe that I can trust Him to handle the rest. That includes who & when I fall in love and get married. That includes what church I attend, what city I live in, and how many children I eventually have.

I realize that there are time when God allows us to make a choice, times where He does not specifically tell us which choice to make. I believe, however, that those moments should not be assumed or taken lightly; I think the church today sees more of these moments then actually exist.

 I fully realize that I am still learning, and that there are many lessons and areas I am lacking wisdom that will be corrected and taught. As God points out areas where I have not had a clear understanding, and reveals the truths where I have believed or assumed a lie, I will do my best to release my errors of thought and action and correct my course to more accurately and fully follow Him. I will find it interesting to see and discover what paths I am led down in the months and years to come.

For today, however, this is where I stand.

Lord, I ask, and I seek for your wisdom & understanding! Reveal to me Your plan, and speak to me Your truths! My heart longs to know You and see You move in and through my life. Help me to increase in my ability and willingness to surrender all that I am and consist of to Your ways.

Sisters (Part 3)

Surprisingly, I never gave much thought while growing up to the fact that someday I would have sisters marrying into our family as each of my brothers fell in love. Me getting married was frequently on my mind... my kid brothers, not so much.

As first Seth, now Matthew have found the girls of their dreams, however, I have discovered a new and wonderful blessing: sisters-in-law.

The process of taking an adult from a totally different family background and quickly merging them into a brand new family is not a seamless or effortless act. It involves compromise, forgiveness, tears, confusion, excitement, joy, and fear as assumptions are swept away, traditions are reevaluated, opportunities for offense on all sides occurr, and moments are shared which knit hearts together forever. For those of us who have not yet experienced this collision, it's hard to fully comprehend the shock for the new addition as they gradually discover that they did not just marry their spouse, and not just the new parents & siblings, but also a large extended family and a whole new culture and community. From my perspective, it's fun and rather wierd to introduce my 'new sister' to distant relatives and lifelong friends (examples: in the last month, I introduced Joy, who's been, for all practical purposes, in our family for 4 years, to my first roommate, and Kelsey to "Grandma Phillips," my aunt's mother who I've viewed as an extended family member my entire life).

When Seth & Joy started their relationship, I struggled with intense conflicting emotions. Joy had become a dear friend of mine before she & Seth got to know each other. The guarantee of having her as a part of my life & family forever was a delight. The fact that she was stealing my best friend and little brother was hard to handle. They visited me shortly before the wedding, and as I sobbed on Seth's shoulder and Joy (poor Joy!!!) waited patiently nearby, I realized that if it had been anyone else on the planet, I would have come close to hating her. Since it was Joy, however, and God had already knit our hearts together, all I could do was mourn my lost place as the most important girl in Seth's life and relinquish that spot to my new sister. I've never regretted it.

Matthew and I spent the majority of our lives bickering and frustrating each other and fighting for Seth's attention & time. With Seth suddenly more or less out of the picture, Matthew joined me in the northlands to attend college and we established a surprisingly close friendship. As a result of several semesters of ballroom dance class, he shared his new found skills with me, and we found occasions to blend our households of roommates together to share meals, desserts, and laughter.

To my extreme disappointment at the time, Matthew fell in love with a girl he met back home one summer. Suddenly I was usurped in yet another brother's life, and this time there was not the benefit of already knowing & loving the young woman in question. Several months of frustration followed, as I longed for opportunities to connect with Kelsey, but having no idea of how to begin without coming across as intimidating or pushy. With, I'm sure, no concept of how it would completely melt my heart, my soon-to-be sister leapt across the boundry separating us one day when I arrived home and she slipped into line behind my other siblings to greet me with a warm hug. At that moment, I realized that even though it would look totally different then it did with Joy, I truly had found yet another little sister.

Sisters (Part 2)

It was 11:58pm on December 7, 1996. Melissa Strei had come over to keep me company and help me babysit my younger brothers. The boys were all in bed, and Mel & I had just finished watching "Heidi." The phone rang.

"Hi-ya, Shrimp!" Dad's voice sang. "You have a sister!"

My jaw fell. As each new brother had joined our family, I had pretty well resigned myself to the fact that I was the only girl in a household of boys, and that's the way it would be. Dad's voice simply didn't compute. 

"A what?"

Ruthanna Christine (or "Little Hanna" as a couple of her friends dubbed her when they were about two years old - a moniker she has long outgrown!) introduced me to new dynamic in life: a real live biological sister. In the years ahead she was joined by Tirzah & Jubilee. The days of me being the only girl in the family were gone forever. 

I love each of my little sisters desperately, and it both melts and tears my heart whenever I spend time with them. The girls cling to me, wanting more time with me, fighting over who gets to sit next to me at meals, on the couch, or in the car/van. They line up for hugs, glue themselves to my side, and start tickle fights. They look to me for approval, to share their joys and achievements, and to basically adore them - all of which is easy to do. What's difficult is that I live three hours away. I moved out of Mom & Dad's house when Jubilee was a baby, and moved out of state when she was two. My sisters are growing up without ever having the benefit of remembering me living nearby, and without having concentrated time to truly get to know me - or me them. 

There's also the difficulty of the incredibly huge age gap. Ruthanna, as she's entering her teen years, is getting to the age I can relate to more, but our relationship is so far defined by the bizarre paradigm of being sisters with a natural bond and deep love for each other, and knowing the events of life, but not having had an opportunity to form a heart connection where we really know much about the other's thoughts, dreams, and fears. I have spent a good deal of time pondering this dilemma, and trying to find and create ways to correct it. So far my plans haven't produced much action or fruit, but it's been a relief to have thought of some solutions and strategies to implement in the years ahead. 

As much as I hate watching my little sisters grow older while I'm missing so much of their lives, I am excited to anticipate eventually being able to relate to them more as friends, rather then just the benefactory adult who periodically shows up and "gives good presents."

Sisters (Part 1)

I was a month and a half shy of turning 15 when my first sister was born. This means, to date, that still over half of my life I did not have a sister, which is why it is still firmly imbedded into my brain (and, sadly, actions) that I grew up in a house full of boys, deprived of having sisters.

To compensate for this missing aspect in my life, at a very young age I begin keeping my eyes open for sisters to 'adopt.' My first experience in this range was my cousin, Marie, born 8 months after me to the day. Marie also grew up in a houseful of boys, so we clung to each other for support as the only granddaughters at most family events (we have 3 older female cousins, but they grew up in Georgia. We loved having them around for a couple weeks every summer, but the rest of the year we held the positions of both only granddaughters & oldest grandchildren!)  Marie and I made a pact at somepoint in there that if either of us ever got a little sister, we would share. 

Although I think there have been several at various points through out the years, only a couple of my friends have retained the firm position as 'family' in my heart, where I know that the sentiment is returned. Lee Marie's and my families became friends when I was 10 and she was 4, and as she grew older we established a pretty close friendship. As our mothers developed a sister-like relationship, Lee Marie and her siblings merged into 'cousin' status. Although we've grown apart in the years since I lived at home, I believe I will always hold them in a special bond in my heart. 

Beth, and, to a slightly lesser degree, her younger sisters (Christy & Becky), hit sister status at somepoint over the years as well. Beth and I have determined (and no, actually - we're not joking!) that after everything we put our friendship through during our teen years, we're friends for life. It has been a true delight to watch that hold true as we've moved in opposite directions and settled into our adult lives. Although we disagree on numerous levels and still occasionally annoy or drive each other crazy, we've learned to still understand who the other girl is, and value and treasure each other and the friendship we share. Beth has proven herself as someone I can tell absolutely anything to, and she will not only keep that secret but won't let it change how she views or treats me. She truly is my sister, in everyway except blood. Largely, I believe, as a result of our friendship, our families have become very close over the years as well. Her dad at one point dubbed me his '5th daughter,' and, although that position has been usurped by their foster daughters and other close friends of their family, I still value all of them as a secondary family - and always will treasure them that way.

After several years of enjoying my independence and determining I had no interest in having roommates, God placed Anna in my life and home. Within days, I was delighted to discover that this roommate thing would work, and within weeks knew that Anna and I would be long time friends. Long before she moved out, she had won a permanent position as a sister in my life. We shared (and still do, during visits & phone conversations!) our hopes, dreams, disappointments, struggles, prayers, hugs, and laughter. I think Anna is the first friend I ever became comfortable crying in front of, and the memories of her holding me, listening, and praying for me are ones I will always hold dear. It's been nine months since she moved out of town, and I still miss her desperately. 

Don't let me paint this picture too rosy, however! These women are also the ones who aren't afraid to call me on my faults - and do they ever! Be it a bad attitude, bad habit, a lie that I believe, or the way I mistreated someone, I will hear about it and an attempt will be made to force me to deal with it. Didn't I tell you that they are my sisters?!

I have been richly and extremely blessed with countless friends over the years. With many of them, even though it may be several years between seeing them, I know that their friendship is still there, and will be there if we ever need each other or have a chance to catch up in the future. Some of my friends are (or have been in the past) on the verge of becoming a true sister of my heart, or are already there but time and trial has not burned the stake as deeply. They all are still loved and appreciated. It's the few, however, that firmly hit & nailed sisterhood, that I can trust with the depths of my heart, and have proven time and time again that they will love me not only because of who I am, but often in spite of who I am.

To all of my friends, but especially to my sisters - thank you. I would not be the person I am today without you.

Cousins

I was thankful to get some time with Marie at Matthew’s wedding before she moved to Tanzania.

Marie is one of my oldest friends (we were born 8 months apart), and we have a plethora of memories from years of growing up together and continuing to share life experiences, goals & dreams with each other as adults.

Dar es Salaam, Tanzania

Writing

In the past... oh, I don't even remember (pause to check date of last entry)... two weeks, I have been intending quite frequently to take some time and write another note. I've actually mapped out a few in my mind (not all of which I remember atm!) and was really excited about writing them.

Alas, each evening I arrived home late from work, and/or had something urgent that needed doing or some event going on. This weekend we had an Outfitters retreat (more on that on a later date), and I kept going from one task to another. All weekend I have looked forward to & intended to set some time aside today to unwind and relax while catching people up on where my heart & mind has been.

Alas, this afternoon came, and the only thing I wanted was to curl up and sleep for 4 hours. I refrained, since napping inevitably means I'm incapable of sleeping at night, so settled for the next best thing - settling into the "Music Room" with Rachel and watching two movies ("Splash" & "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"). It felt nice to crash, but now I'm ready for bed and unable to get anymore in depth here then a long-winded and totally unncessary excuse/apology to myself & the world in general for not sharing anything actually important.

I must also confess that I have recently become increasingly wistful as I look at friends who have a greater energy & stamina level that gives them the ability to constantly keep going without crashing. Maybe it's developed with time, or maybe it's a character flaw that I want to simply go play or be lazy after doing a lot of work or being busy for a few days. Whatever it is, I feel myself burning out if I don't get the rest I need. I hope this afternoon and a good night sleep tonight refresh me enough to jump back into work this week with energy.

My current goal: be in bed by 8:45 (maybe earlier), and sound asleep long before Jen gets home from work (anytime between 10:00-12:00). I always wake up briefly when she comes in, but if I'm zonked far enough I can usually drift off again right away. This would be one of the few times that I'm very thankful she can't handle chatting upon getting home late!

Side Note: Although I admit to having enjoyed "Splash," I do not recommend it, especially and most adamently for all people of the male gender. I do very highly recommend 'Pirates,' however - I giggled frequently throughout. Big Idea is amazing for their ability to make quality kids shows with clean, adult appreciated humor woven in.

Meaning of Life

I'm not the light; I'm not the source of the light. I am simply a broken mirror fragment. But if I allow the sun shine on my mirror fragment, it is amazing what light I can bring into darkness - and by that I mean truth, understanding, humor, joy... That is the meaning of life.
Taken from a story told by Luci Swindall, Focus on the Family broadcast "Choosing to be Joyful" part 1, August 27, 2009. 

The Mysterious Adventure...

I was still playing with Barbies when I realized that the 'dating game' wasn't something I was interested in. I remember a conversation with one of my friends, discussing whether or not Barbie & Ken should go on a date, and if there were any other options for finding a husband. When I was 14, a friend introduced me to the concept of courtship, a principle further enforced into my mindset through one of my favorite book series as a young teen (The Journals of Corrie Bell Hollister), through various Focus on the Family episodes, the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and many other places and means throughout the years. I was firmly convinced that, in God's timing, my husband would arrive in my life, and we would establish a strong freindship before proceeding through the next phase of our relationship surrounded by family and friends providing accountability and advice. My hope was never to even enter into a relationship until I was confident that the man in question was, if not definitely the guy I would marry, at least a very good possibility.

Now, at 27, I still cling to what my heart desired as a young girl.

There is a question developing. My family & friends are increasingly interested in me finding someone to share my life with. My roommates tease me, my pastor gently tries to nudge me along. What is the right answer? Is it time to take proactive steps in this journey, or is God still calling me to wait and be patient? Options are available; EHarmony and other online matchmaking sights abound, there are eligible young men in churches in our network. I really do believe that God is writing my love story (as yet another book ["When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy] explains!) But how is He writing it? What chapter am I on? What will this plot look like as it develops?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I desire to follow His leading, regardless of what that might be. At the same time, however, my heart yearns for a man to step forward, identify me as someone of value, and choose to pursue me, with no prior action required on my part. I want to be sought after - not having to search. I want to be discovered, not thrown in someone's path. The people around me are telling me that's not realistic, that it was ok to hope for that in my teens & early 20's, but it's time to grow up and face reality. What is God saying? I really don't know yet.

Stress

I have a stressful job. Most people familiar with any university system will generally tell you that they know the Financial Aid system is stressful, or that they're glad they don't work there. Then there are the people unfamiliar with the inner workings of a college; intelligent people, who have no idea that they're asking an idiotic question: "So, do you get your summers (or Spring Break, Christmas break, etc) off? What do you do during those times?"

My coworkers repeat those conversations with everything from laughter to frustration to resentment lingering in their voices...

And then there is Fall. I realized last week that fall is a four-letter word, then quickly felt semi-guilty. I'm not using it as a swear word, I just realized that I could.

Fall is a time of dread, a season that creates tales of lore. The context usually refers to the first 4 weeks or so of the semester, a period in which mayhem is closely adverted and the brave tremble to walk.

Fall is here.

My lunch breaks are no longer a guarantee... barely an expectation. Overtime is almost forbidden, yet longed and pleaded for. The fact that we can't get into the office until a few minutes before the doors open at 8:00am causes endless frustration. Lines of scared, frustrated, & confused students await. Processing backs up, paperwork accumulates, and woe surrounds the person who was not completely caught up ahead of time.

In the midst of this, while still trying to maintain my normally busy/full work schedule, I am now responsible for training and supervising 3 temporary staff who barely know what they're doing. Our 10 student employees (also my jurisdiction) are back, and need schedules confirmed, paperwork updated, and need the dress code/policies/updates refreshed & reminded to them. My boss is trying to rely on me to help her hold the entire office together and functioning as a well oiled unit, while I'm still trying to learn the balance of how much authority I really have among my coworkers. Speaking of whom, one of them just turned in her two week notice. Wonderful timing.

In the midst of it all, I'm amazed to feel an underlying peace. Someone's praying for me, I think... Thank you, to whoever you are!

Starting Off

I like to keep in touch: not just with my family and friends, but also with God & with my heart, emotions and thoughts. I'm not generally very good at doing so with any of the before mentioned, so am going to try taking a stab at this 'online journaling' thing. I would love to have the people in my life follow along and (hopefully!) enjoy my ramblings and processing, but will see if this proves beneficial to myself personally even if no one else pays attention.

Let the fun begin!